tell me that you love me more…

I’m tired.

The past couple of days has put me under the weather. Not mentally- well, not really mentally, anyway- but definitely physically. I’m so tired- my foot aches, my head aches. I went to physio today (as per my doc- every week I have to go.) and my oh-so-over-the-top physiotherapist told me I had to ‘work through the pain’. Fuck you. How about I shoot YOU in the foot then tell you to bend and flex your foot around a resistance band- THEN how about I tell YOU to work through the pain?

Srsly. I’m not usually so grumpy, or violent. And I get it, I do- you’re trying to motivate me. But I have done physio before- and never, ever- have I been told to ‘work through the pain’. Ever. Now my foot just hurts. I don’t feel better. So that was…a waste of 45 minutes of my life.

Safe to say that was my first and last physio meeting.

I had more to say, but…I forgot. I’ve cleaned out my music files today- added some new stuff, instead. Well not new- mostly CD’s I have that I never added to my computer. Some Feist, some Metric. I love my Canadian grown music. I do. Feist is simply beautiful- in lyrics and in person. I love her music. It’s feel-good. And exactly what I need right now.

I remember now.

And you know what else I need? You. Truly. And I know things are tough for everyone right now- but remember that you have family, and friends, even pets…that love you. That are here for you. No matter what. Sometimes I forget- I am an incredibly introverted person, despite my sometimes cheery outcome. I have been alone for a long while. There’s nothing wrong with it, I don’t think- because to me, I am not -truly- alone. I have you, I have my family. I have my dog. I am blessed to have who I have in my life. And at this moment? I wouldn’t give up any of it for the world.

Enough of my psychobabble.

numb is the new deep…

…

It’s raining- almost sounds like it’s coming down inside, too…

hold on to whatever you find, baby…

Dear you,

I am extending this letter to you, to make sure that when you find me- you understand what you are getting. This is not to put you off in any way- but simply giving you a heads up. Think of it as my gift to you.

I am 26. Not 23, or 20, or even 18, but 26. I’m past my quarter life crisis, I’m passed one night stands and drunken make-out sessions. If those things interest you, let me direct you to one of two places: a nightclub, or the strip club 4 blocks down. I am sure you will find your dream girl there, as I will not be able to help you in those regards. If you’re also looking for a girl who likes to wear belts as a skirt, that would not be me. I like to have a little modesty, if not pants.

I’m petite, pale, and a redhead. And no, I will not grow, tan or dye my hair for your pleasure. If you want a blonde or a brunette, then go find a blonde or a brunette. But just know- most men tend to appreciate redheads when they’re older- so if you grow up, and decide you like my hair the way it is- I’m glad you’ve been able to see the light. As for being half albino- I’m sorry if I’m not into looking like a cow hide that’s been left in the sun too long. I have freckles- that is enough for me.

As for my hobbies, they include sports, writing, graphics, and fangirling. Don’t even comment on my level of fangirling, because it is something I will -not- give up. I can’t help if I find other men, even if they are not real, attractive. You want a VW bus full of playmates- I want Mason and Nathan to make out in front of me, with my camera. We all have our fantasies. And yes, I like sports. Moreso than maybe most women do, or should. Don’t be put off if I know more than you do. I am a girl with a head on my shoulders, and I don’t think there is anything wrong with me wanting to use it once in a while.

All this being said, I am shy, smart, funny once you get to know me- and severely loyal to my friends. If you try and take me away from my friends, consider yourself let go. My friends are what have gotten me here, and I won’t be giving them up for the world. Think of them part of my packaged deal. All or nothing. I can cook, I can clean, but I don’t expect to do it all the time. I am an equal opportunist, and it wouldn’t hurt if you were, too.

Please keep in mind that while I am all these things, I am also sometimes insecure. So if you can love me for me- flaws and all- you’re already in good shape.

I don’t do foot rubs. You’re on your own for that one.
Sincerely,
me.

Don’t know what you’ve got til it’s gone…

In case you haven’t noticed, all my entry tags are based on…lyrics. It’s funny that I pretty much think lyrically. I did an essay back in high school based on peoples way of writing. Some people think in prose, or in rhyme- some people think lyrically. I think lyrically. There’s always some song that I can relate to, depending on how I am feeling that day.

So yeah- this title? Pretty much describes how I feel right now. You know, friends do come and go- and some leave footprints on your hearts, but what happens- when those friends don’t really -go-, but decide, on a whim- to leave your life entirely? Without much explanation? It’s a weird sensation. Because truthfully- you know that the decision they’ve made is the wrong one, but you can’t say or do anything to make them see reason. It’s kind of like pleading your case to a jury full of people who are deaf or blind. One can hear your story, but not fully see it, and vice versa. It’s maddening. But…what can you do, at that point, other than sit back, and hope…for the best?

Okay, stop depressing yourself, Ailise.

The leaves are starting to come out on the trees here and it kind of makes me happy to see that life is starting up again. I’ve always loved Spring and Fall. The birth, and the death. We always seem to take our world, and all that is in it, for granted- but there are moments, when you look around and think…”Wow. It does this…all on it’s own.” And seriously? It’s kinda cool. So you keep doing your thing, mother nature: and we’ll do our best to make sure you can keep doing that thing.

One final thing, I forgot how much I loved this song. And it totally fits two characters right now. See? I always think lyrically.

Love.

Brighter than Sunshine…

It’s really warm here today.

The weather always has to do with so much, I gather. Moods, ailments…I can safely say my mood has brightened considerably- now that the weather has gotten better. Winter is always so long, and so dark…and don’t get me wrong, I like the winter- but spring and summer just make me…je ne sais quois.

Enough about the weather.

I’ve gotten three marks back so far, and so far? So good. Maybe wasn’t expecting the grade I got on one of my exams, but…I won’t complain! But 3 passing marks…means I graduate. ohgod. It’s happening again. That reoccuring dream where I trip up the steps on the way to getting my certificate and fall flat on my face and break my teeth is happening again. Why is this time -so- different than last time? I shouldn’t feel this way, but I do. It’s horrible. Maybe I’ll take summer courses…I really don’t want to leave school yet.

I <3 RPattz. I truly do. I’m going to go to Vancouver and find him and make him fall in love with me. He’s a geek- I totally agree Kellybear. But he’s an adorable geek. I’m an adorable geek. We’re meant for each other. And when I find him? I’m gonna ask if he knows Cillian Murphy.
imsobad.badbadbad.

On another tangent; I love you girls. Truly, I do. I read your blogs and laugh and get misty and love you even more- I wonder why I didn’t have you both in my life before this. But we’re making up for lost time, I think. You make the days that aren’t filled with sunshine, so much better. And I thank you both for that. I know its weird to have ‘internet best friends’, but you two? You’re it. And if I ever get the chance to meet either of you…-bliss-

My mind is all over the map, as you can see. I’m gonna go curl up in the sunshine and read a book…

Love.

we all have something that digs at us…

Last night was a bad idea.

I got a phone call last night from one of my friends in my classes, saying they were going out for ‘celebratory’ drinks- and I was like, well…okay- school is done forever….I had planned on drinking in my apartment alone- one or maybe two drinks (yes Kelly, I KNOW I had 3. Shush)- but to spend my freedom with the people I spent 4 years with- toiling and crying and working our asses off to achieve what I now like to call ‘the inevitable’- seemed like an awesome idea.

At the time.

I very well still may be drunk this morning. Correction: I am.

I’m so happy I’m done school. I can’t begin to tell you how happy I am. It’s like a weight has been lifted off my chest and I can breathe again. Until I have to really find a job- then that weight will crush me like a 400lbs man crushing an ant.

I love you two. I’m not saying that because I have drunk ‘I love you’s’ on my mind. I truly do love you two. You make me want to be a better person- to laugh and love and give 110% regardless of what I am doing. You are my motivation to do a lot of things. Please don’t ever change. And if you don’t? I won’t either.

Work time. Love.

Guilty as charged…

I’m not good at opening blogs.

No- truly. I sit here and I think- can I be witty? Or charming? I don’t think it’s possible.

But here it is, anyways. My blog. A place where you’re going to see the side of me that people rarely get to see. I’m truly the most boring person alive.

Hermits have more lives than I do….