I try to say goodbye…

I tried to be bubbly and happy this week- tried to suppress all my upset and depression and keep it to a minimum, and tonight? I don’t know. It hit me like a ton of bricks and I’ve sat here for god knows how long, pretty much in tears…

All the little signs were there, too- the not sleeping, the hyperness, the lack of appetite…I just figured, that maybe it was a -good- thing, and not..this.

It’s just…I -hate- this feeling. This helplessness. Part of me doesn’t want to go on Sunday. Part of me wants to go somewhere else entirely, to hide and just…get away. And I know that when I start to feel this way, I tend to get very…antisocial. So when I go on Sunday, I am going to try and be my normal bubbly self. But when I get back, I may need to take a day or two, on my own. I need to get out of my head. Maybe though, while I am with my family, everything will clear. Maybe I wont need an extra day or two. But I can’t predict that.

Please know two things:
- It’s all me. Don’t blame you for what I feel! I let it be suppressed for too long, and that was -my- mistake. I shouldn’t have. And now I’m paying the price for it.
- I love you. Irrevocably.

See you (hopefully) on the flip side.

x

Bring it all back…

Hi internet.

I feel like I broke up with this blog. I didn’t mean to intentionally- I have had a lot going on, and at the same time- I’ve been keeping my innermost thoughts to myself. So believe me when I say, it’s not you, its me. I hope we can still be friends. U B MY FREIND? KAY.

Uhm.

I’m trying, I really am. People mask their grief differently. I mask mine with humour and bubbliness. Despite not feeling very bubbly at all. But I am the type of person that will not subject my friends or others to whatever is going on in my head. Some people can see right through me, others- go along to get along. But I promise you: I’m fine. My grandad died peacefully in his sleep. And for that, I am thankful. It gave me peace of mind to know that. Things are hectic, I won’t lie. My uncle and his family are trying to get here from Thailand for Thursday…it’s getting kinda…I don’t know what the word is. But I promised someone I wouldn’t worry over the little things, and I am not gonna. But chances are I will be in Montreal for the weekend- only 3 or 4 days, at the most. It’s not a long time, but at least I will see my mum and my brothers, along with the rest of my family. I think it’s long overdue. I just wish it was under better circumstances.

On a happier note…
Graduation is soon. I got my stuff in the mail, and unfortunately, my mum can’t come down for the ceremony- but I do have friends who said they’d sit in, which is all kinds of lovely. I have to find a pretty dress, I think. I am totally getting dressed up for this one. Except the shoes. I’m wearing my converse, I don’t care. I could be in a nice black dress and I’d still be wearing the Chucks!

Anyway, I am sorry again, blog, for ignoring you for as long as I have. I promise to make it up to you. How does a blog a day sound? Will it get me back in your good books? I want us to work! I love us.

And I love you. You know who you are.

onelove x

—————-
Now playing: Coldplay – The Scientist
via FoxyTunes

tell me that you love me more…

I’m tired.

The past couple of days has put me under the weather. Not mentally- well, not really mentally, anyway- but definitely physically. I’m so tired- my foot aches, my head aches. I went to physio today (as per my doc- every week I have to go.) and my oh-so-over-the-top physiotherapist told me I had to ‘work through the pain’. Fuck you. How about I shoot YOU in the foot then tell you to bend and flex your foot around a resistance band- THEN how about I tell YOU to work through the pain?

Srsly. I’m not usually so grumpy, or violent. And I get it, I do- you’re trying to motivate me. But I have done physio before- and never, ever- have I been told to ‘work through the pain’. Ever. Now my foot just hurts. I don’t feel better. So that was…a waste of 45 minutes of my life.

Safe to say that was my first and last physio meeting.

I had more to say, but…I forgot. I’ve cleaned out my music files today- added some new stuff, instead. Well not new- mostly CD’s I have that I never added to my computer. Some Feist, some Metric. I love my Canadian grown music. I do. Feist is simply beautiful- in lyrics and in person. I love her music. It’s feel-good. And exactly what I need right now.

I remember now.

And you know what else I need? You. Truly. And I know things are tough for everyone right now- but remember that you have family, and friends, even pets…that love you. That are here for you. No matter what. Sometimes I forget- I am an incredibly introverted person, despite my sometimes cheery outcome. I have been alone for a long while. There’s nothing wrong with it, I don’t think- because to me, I am not -truly- alone. I have you, I have my family. I have my dog. I am blessed to have who I have in my life. And at this moment? I wouldn’t give up any of it for the world.

Enough of my psychobabble.

numb is the new deep…

…

It’s raining- almost sounds like it’s coming down inside, too…