closing this journal…

I don’t use this one very much, but you can still find me on livejournal…

http://tnuthaim.livejournal.com/

thanks to those of you who did read xo

when the wind blows…

I feel….numb.

I spent most of my day doing things around the apartment, then went to do errands- then I got a call from a good girl-friend of mine, who wanted to go for dinner and coffee- and I happily obliged, because…I haven’t seen people in a while, and it was nice to see her…but I don’t know if I was really -all there- today…I feel like I am floating, and maybe not in the good way. I fell asleep when I got home around 10…and now I am wide awake.

I dunno why I am feeling this way. Maybe it will hit me tomorrow. I just feel like…something is going on. But, I don’t know what.

I am going to take some time to myself tonight…kneel and think about things…maybe it will be clearer when I do….

x

your hands are mine to hold….

<3

black heart inertia…

I’ve been sitting here looking at this page for the better part of half an hour- and I can’t think of anything.

Nothing works, when you’re not here.

I’m not so good with words…

Hi,  internet. It’s been a while, yeah?

Me and blogging don’t generally go hand in hand. The ability to write my thoughts and feelings down on any medium has always been a struggle. Did you ever have that high school english teacher that wanted you to keep a journal? Mine was always filled with drawings.

Funnily enough, I didn’t fail that course.

But that’s just it, isn’t it? People express their thoughts and feelings differently. Some don’t express them at all. I’m not necessarily a ’shy’ person; I have the ability to make friends easily, because I am friendly- but I am private.  The more people get to know me, the more I tend to open up- but I am making a conscious effort to fix that. Sometimes I’ll blog here, sometimes I’ll blog other places- I do have a new blog- that is going to be a place where I post some of my favorite family recipies- I had to get the OK from my gran, but she seems happy to share these with people, and so am I- some of the recipies are awesome!

I went to the Incubus show last night- I was asked, last minute, at work yesterday if I wanted to go, as one of the producers had tickets and couldn’t make it- so 4 of us went…two interns and two staff- and it was actually…an amazing show. Brandon Boyd is probably up there now, with musicians I like live. Not to mention that I think he’s aged well. Someone had told me that he was looking a little haggard- but that wasn’t the case last night. I may have rekindled my crush on him. And he has gorgeous tattoos. Kelly! You’d love his tattoos- they’re all drawn by him, and they’re stunning. I myself don’t have any ink, but I am always appreciative of people who create art in that way. He’s like a pretty canvas.

And the more I think on it, the more I think he looks like Joseph Gordon Levitt. Or maybe an older version of him. Uncanny.

It is my lunch break here at work and I’m sitting at my ‘desk’ (read: shared table with about 4 other people), with my home-brought lunch and my iPod is on and…today? Today has been better than the past two days. I feel good about today, even if it’s been slow work-wise. Maybe it’s because the sun is out, too- the past two weeks, the sun has been scarce. Maybe MD is right- maybe I do suffer a little from that weather-related thingamabob. I like the sunshine. It makes me happy. YOU make me happy. Music makes me happy. Hopefully, I’m done with the clouds.

Til next time, Gadget.

Pride…

Well, it is the beginning of pride week here in toronto, and the city is buzzing. What I like about this festival is that it gives people of every sexuality a chance to shine.

But the thing is…why shouldn’t we shine, on a regular basis?

Don’t get me wrong, pride week is a fantastic idea- but I truly believe in order for people to see it and understand it, it needs to be something that is continuous, ongoing. Not to say that it needs to be flaunted into people’s faces- but I definitely believe that the more people know, the least likely they are to judge. Judgements are rarely made with rational thought.

Take me, for example.

I have never classified myself as gay, straight, or bisexual. Why? Because I don’t fit into those categories. As I told Kelly the other day- love doesn’t know those terms. Love knows when they’ve found that person that will make them truly happy, make them truly be themselves. It doesn’t know boundaries or limitations. S’why I don’t classify myself as -any- of those. But people always seem to want to classify what I -am-, and that’s an irrational judgement. But if they want to do that, that is fine…I am what I am, and will not make apologies for who or what I love.

Anyways, pride week is an amazing week. It brings this wonderful community together, and shows how diverse Toronto really is, and how much we as a society…has grown.

question…

If a tree falls in the forest, and hits me, does anyone care?

…

An Irish Blessing…

Go n-éirí an bóthar leat.
Go raibh cóir na gaoithe i gcónaí leat.
Go dtaitní an ghrian go bog bláth ar do chlár éadain,
go dtite an bháisteach go bog mín ar do ghoirt.
Agus go gcasfar le chéile sinn arís,
go gcoinní Dia i mbois a láimhe thú.

It’s fitting that it is cold and cloudy on the day of your funeral.  You told me once as a kid that these were your favorite kind of days. Blustery, windy, cold.  Is that where I got the like of these days, too? Maybe. I remember waking up on  days like these and hearing  my brother go ‘Ohhhh it’s gonna RAIN’, as if it were a bad thing.  But me?  I kinda got excited  by it. I still do, really.  If  I could wear rubber boots today, I would- because I know that it would have made you smile…

I won’t lie- I  am going to miss you. It has been  a year, maybe a little more, since I have been  home. It was lucky for me that I had a grandad who liked to email- and god knows I’m going  to miss  those emails- but the emails,  were not the same as being able to  see you when I could…

Maybe I will wear rubber boots today.

Thank you,  love you,  and I’ll miss you. Gone, but definitely  not forgotten.

x

I try to say goodbye…

I tried to be bubbly and happy this week- tried to suppress all my upset and depression and keep it to a minimum, and tonight? I don’t know. It hit me like a ton of bricks and I’ve sat here for god knows how long, pretty much in tears…

All the little signs were there, too- the not sleeping, the hyperness, the lack of appetite…I just figured, that maybe it was a -good- thing, and not..this.

It’s just…I -hate- this feeling. This helplessness. Part of me doesn’t want to go on Sunday. Part of me wants to go somewhere else entirely, to hide and just…get away. And I know that when I start to feel this way, I tend to get very…antisocial. So when I go on Sunday, I am going to try and be my normal bubbly self. But when I get back, I may need to take a day or two, on my own. I need to get out of my head. Maybe though, while I am with my family, everything will clear. Maybe I wont need an extra day or two. But I can’t predict that.

Please know two things:
- It’s all me. Don’t blame you for what I feel! I let it be suppressed for too long, and that was -my- mistake. I shouldn’t have. And now I’m paying the price for it.
- I love you. Irrevocably.

See you (hopefully) on the flip side.

x

Bring it all back…

Hi internet.

I feel like I broke up with this blog. I didn’t mean to intentionally- I have had a lot going on, and at the same time- I’ve been keeping my innermost thoughts to myself. So believe me when I say, it’s not you, its me. I hope we can still be friends. U B MY FREIND? KAY.

Uhm.

I’m trying, I really am. People mask their grief differently. I mask mine with humour and bubbliness. Despite not feeling very bubbly at all. But I am the type of person that will not subject my friends or others to whatever is going on in my head. Some people can see right through me, others- go along to get along. But I promise you: I’m fine. My grandad died peacefully in his sleep. And for that, I am thankful. It gave me peace of mind to know that. Things are hectic, I won’t lie. My uncle and his family are trying to get here from Thailand for Thursday…it’s getting kinda…I don’t know what the word is. But I promised someone I wouldn’t worry over the little things, and I am not gonna. But chances are I will be in Montreal for the weekend- only 3 or 4 days, at the most. It’s not a long time, but at least I will see my mum and my brothers, along with the rest of my family. I think it’s long overdue. I just wish it was under better circumstances.

On a happier note…
Graduation is soon. I got my stuff in the mail, and unfortunately, my mum can’t come down for the ceremony- but I do have friends who said they’d sit in, which is all kinds of lovely. I have to find a pretty dress, I think. I am totally getting dressed up for this one. Except the shoes. I’m wearing my converse, I don’t care. I could be in a nice black dress and I’d still be wearing the Chucks!

Anyway, I am sorry again, blog, for ignoring you for as long as I have. I promise to make it up to you. How does a blog a day sound? Will it get me back in your good books? I want us to work! I love us.

And I love you. You know who you are.

onelove x

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Now playing: Coldplay – The Scientist
via FoxyTunes